Categories
Uncategorized

Investor known as the ‘Warren Buffett of Japan’: The No. 1 secret to success, wealth and happiness in life

Investor known as the ‘Warren Buffett of Japan’: The No. 1 secret to success, wealth and happiness in life

The secret to a happy life isn’t an abundance of wealth — and yet, we often hear people say they want more money. But rarely anyone says they have too much, or just enough.

In my 30 years of researching money and happiness, one of the most remarkable individuals I’ve ever met was a Japanese entrepreneur and investor named Wahei Takeda.

Before Takeda passed away in 2016, at 83, I had the honor of having him as a mentor for 15 years. A truly happy man, he taught me what it really means to live a successful and meaningful life.

“There is no end in the money game,” Takeda once told me, comparing it to baseball. Even if you are winning in the bottom of the ninth inning, that doesn’t guarantee a win.

The money game is the same, he explained. Even if you are wealthy in your 30s or 40s, that doesn’t mean something disastrous can’t happen and leave you destitute.

The ‘Warren Buffett of Japan’
Often called the “Warren Buffet of Japan,” Takeda was one of the country’s most successful and well-known investors.

In 2006, Takeda had top 10 stakes at more than 100 companies valued at 30 billion yen, making him Japan’s No. 1 individual investor, the Nikkei newspaper reported at the time.

The ‘Warren Buffett of Japan’

Often called the “Warren Buffet of Japan,” Takeda was one of the country’s most successful and well-known investors.

In 2006, Takeda had top 10 stakes at more than 100 companies valued at 30 billion yen, making him Japan’s No. 1 individual investor, the Nikkei newspaper reported at the time.

Takeda was also the founder of Takeda Confectionery, a company whose biggest seller was Tamago Boro, which sells bite-sized biscuits shaped like little eggs.

What’s especially interesting is that if you visit the factory, you’ll find workers listening to music of children singing “arigato,” which means thank you in Japanese.

Takeda believed that serenading the snacks with the expression of thanks served as a reminder that it is the staff’s hard work and continued customer loyalty that keeps the company going.

(The ongoing tradition also explains why Tamago Boro bills its sweets as “candy that has heard ‘thank you’ one million times.”)

‘Maro’ is the key to a happy and abundant life

All of this reflects Takeda’s philosophy of “maro,” which is short for magokoro in Japanese and means a sincere heart. You could say that your maro is strong if you have pure intentions and lead an upright life.

Inner contentment and gratitude are the essence of maro. And I know for certain that my success today is a direct result of Takeda’s constant reminders telling me to “maro up” and say “arigato.”

After Takeda’s success in the confectionery business, he decided to devote more time to fostering the growth of small businesses, and became known as a “community philanthropist.”

All throughout his phenomenal career, Takeda inspired thousands of people to become more giving and open to the flow of money both into and out of their lives.

He believed that kindness and generosity are the keys to happiness and prosperity.

Achieving a state of ‘maro’

Those who are in touch with their maro create win-win situations for themselves and for the people around them.

When your maro increases, according to Takeda, three things happen:

You become more magnetic, emitting and attracting positive energy. This surrounds you with good people and things you truly care about, which then creates a cycle of happiness and abundance.

You become more passionate and energized to accomplish things that are important to you. This makes you more intuitive and able to choose the best way to live your life. And since you’re doing what you love most, you constantly open doors to exciting new opportunities.

You express more gratitude for life and increasingly find yourself saying “thank you.” Since gratitude is contagious, others start to express gratitude and welcome more abundance into their lives as well.

In a money-obsessed society, the simplest way to reach a state of maro to express gratitude and give to others, instead of always wanting or asking for more.

Ken Honda is a happiness expert and the bestselling author of “Happy Money: The Japanese Art of Making Peace With Your Money.” He has owned and managed businesses, including an accounting company, consulting firm and venture capital corporation. Ken studied law at Waseda University and currently resides in Tokyo, Japan.

Categories
Uncategorized

Set Better Boundaries

Set Better Boundaries

by Priscilla Claman

Boundary predators are easy to find at work. They include the boss who asks you to work the weekend you have a family wedding or the client who tacks on two more presentations to the senior team than you agreed to, or the team leader who assigns you more work than your colleagues.

Boundary predators aren’t just at work. They also include the crafty four-year-old who says, “But Daddy said I could have another cookie!” Or the 17 year old who commits to driving three friends to the movies without first asking your permission to borrow the car. Or the beloved partner who leaves the dishwasher for you to unload even though you made a deal to take turns and you did it yesterday.

Boundary predators rely on their power and authority — and your passivity — to get what they want. It’s up to you to push back by understanding how to create boundaries and maintain them. Personal boundaries are difficult to define and hard to maintain in all spheres of our lives. Unlike laws or national boundaries, personal boundaries don’t exist on their own; you have to will them into existence through conversation, especially if you aren’t in a position of power. However, all kinds of people conduct these difficult conversations every day with customers, clients, and kids, clarifying the work to be done and both drawing and holding the line. The following approaches will make it easier for you to conduct persuasive conversations that set and maintain boundaries:

Have an Agreement Up Front
When everyone consents to terms ahead of time, everyone knows what the objectives are and what to expect, and there is usually less potential for opposition. For example:

  • “I have to leave this meeting at 11:30, but I’ll check in this afternoon.”
  • “Yes, you can take the car, but you will have to be back by 10:30 so I can take your sister to practice.”
  • “Let’s say that you can always have two cookies, but only two cookies, for dessert.”

Establishing a clear boundary gives you a defense against withering in an endless meeting or listening to continuous nagging for more dessert. Then, you can just remind the other party of the agreement and be firm. “Only two cookies for dessert, remember?”

Mention Your Credentials
Setting boundaries, no matter how casual, requires some authority. Briefly referring to the expertise you bring to the table gives you additional power in boundary negotiations. Here’s what that sounds like:

  • “I’ve worked with at least 20 CEOs in similar situations, and I know I can help you.”
  • “Yes, I’ve worked with this software on several other projects, and I know I can make a contribution to the team. But we’ll have to figure out how to reassign my current work.”
  • “As your father, I am responsible for your safety, and I don’t think that’s a safe thing to do.”

To up the ante a little, mention others who are with you:

  • “You’ve reached the right department to resolve your problem. We have a reputation for being the best, so if you follow my instructions, I’ll have you back online in a jiffy.”
  • “Parents choose their kids’ TV programs, and your dad and I agree that’s not a program you should watch.”

Expect Your Boundaries to Be Challenged
We’re all familiar with “scope creep”— when you’re asked to do more than you signed up for. As any parent of a two-year-old knows, setting a boundary is almost an invitation to test it. So, don’t get angry. Think about it and make a choice. Do I want to make this an exception or do I want to stick with the agreement?

There are times when you can gain something from conceding, but you’ll need to reset the boundary bargain as a part of the same conversation. For example:

  • “I’m happy to do it again for you, this time. How about lending me two people on your staff while I do it? I’ll teach them all I know, and then you’ll have the resources in house.”
  • “Yes, you can have the car all day Saturday if you drive your sister and her friends to practice. The following Saturday, though, I’m going to need it.”

Ask Questions
Ask loads of clarifying questions before committing, especially when you aren’t clear on the right approach. The answers will help you decide what to do when your boundaries are challenged. Keep your questions open-ended, so you’ll be able to gather more information without being perceived as negative:

  • “Let’s talk a little more about your project. You said it had strategic importance. How is that? Do you have some ideas for the outcomes you want? Let’s come up with some options for meeting your team’s strategic goals for this fiscal year.”
  • “What can you tell me about the people we’re creating this how-to-interview program for? Are they experienced interviewers? What concerns do you have about their ability to select the right person for the job?”
  • “That is an interesting new bike you want us to buy for you. What makes it different from the bike you have now? What do you plan to do with your old bike?”

Try Not to Use the Word “No”
Sooner or later you’re going to have to use the word “no,” if only to stop your kid from running into the street. But don’t be afraid to disagree, even with powerful people. You can have a persuasive conversation that sets boundaries without starting a world war. The key is to not say no directly. This skill is useful for setting boundaries, while maintaining the relationship:

  • “My team and I would be very happy to work on your important project, but we’re unable to start for six months.”
  • “I’m sorry I just won’t be able to make that Friday deadline. Let’s talk about what we can do now.”

When you say no indirectly, offering alternatives maintains the relationship and eases the negative blow. Doing this works in the office and in other realms of your life, too:

  • “I can scale back what I give you and do it by Friday, or I can complete it and give it to you a week later.”
  • “I’m very excited about taking this job, and I understand you want me to start right away, but I have a two-week vacation planned with my family. Would you like me to start after I take my vacation or take the vacation after I start?”
  • “It’s just not possible for us to spend that amount of money on a new bike this summer. However, I’m happy to brainstorm with you how you could earn some money and sell your old one. Then we might be able to contribute something to the cause.”

Alternatives give the people you are saying no to a greater sense of control. You’re not denying them everything, and you’re sending a strong message that you still want to work with them.

Don’t Offer a Parade of Reasons When You Say No
Overexplaining will not help you agree to a boundary. Too much information can lead to too much discussion. And it erodes your position:

  • Don’t say, “I can’t work next Saturday because I’m going to my grandson’s first birthday party,” unless you know your boss is particularly sensitive to grandmothers. The boss might argue, “But he’ll have a birthday next year,” or “You’ll be home by 6 p.m. Have the party then.” Now you are into an argument that’s hard to win. Say instead, “I’m sorry. I’ve an important family obligation I just can’t change.” And stick to it.
  • Don’t say you can’t come to a party because you don’t have a babysitter, because then the host could offer to let your children come, too. Then you’d be forced to say, “But that wouldn’t work because . . . ” Instead, say, “I wish we could, but we just can’t,” and leave it like that.

After a Crisis, Reset the Agreement
Emergencies occur. You will drop everything to take your daughter to the emergency room when she breaks her leg. You will work more hours than is reasonable to make sure that product gets out the door on time. But you need to restart your agreement when the emergency is over. If you had a strong boundary agreement in the first place, it will be much easier to reestablish it. If you can, allude to the agreement while you are responding to the emergency, and always give the important news in the first sentence:

  • “I’m not going to make the presentation this afternoon. I’m on my way to the emergency room with my daughter. When she is stabilized, I’ll call and see what I can do to reschedule.”
  • “No problem. I’ll take over while you go to that important conference in Chicago, but when you get back, let’s return to our regular plan for day-care drop-off and pickup.”

With any interruption in your boundary agreement, you will need to reset the agreement to move forward:

  • “Yes, I’ll drop everything and fly to meet with Big Important Client to resolve their problems with our technology, but let’s agree that I’ll to go back to managing my current team with my current responsibilities when I get back next month.”
  • “Yes, while you are staying at Grandma’s you can watch the TV much longer. But Grandma has her rules at her house, and we have our rules at our house.”

Strangely enough, even when you are in charge, using your authority doesn’t always help you set boundaries, as anyone who has toilet trained a toddler will tell you. The harder you push, the more resistance you create. Being persuasive, not pushy, will help you set boundaries in a collaborative way. And the more you conduct conversations to clearly set — and enforce — boundaries, the more they will be respected.

Article Link: Set Better Boundaries

Categories
Uncategorized

Feeling anxious? The way you breathe could be adding to it

Scrolling social media, amid frantic posts about politics and COVID-19 cases, you may have come across a friend or two reminding everyone to “just breathe.”

Talking about being kind to yourself may sound like something from a nursery classroom. But even cynics should care about self-compassion – especially if they want to be resilient.

In his new book Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art, journalist James Nestor argues that modern humans have become pretty bad at this most basic act of living. We breathe through our mouths and into our chests, and we do it way too fast. There’s even a phenomenon called “email apnea,” where multitasking office workers breathe irregularly and shallowly — or even hold their breath — for half a minute or more while glued to their devices.

Besides all the worrisome health problems this may cause, which Nestor details in his book, our ineptitude at breathing may have another big consequence — contributing to our anxiety and other mental health problems.

“The rate and depth we breathe at is a huge determinant of our mental state,” says Elissa Epel, a professor at UC San Francisco.

Researchers like Epel are exploring how using breathing techniques — some new, some ancient — can help people stave off anxiety. What they’re discovering is that breathing could be an overlooked key to finding more calm and peace.

How breathing can calm us
We often try to tame anxiety by changing our thoughts — questioning the worst-case scenarios in our heads, interrupting rumination with some kind of distraction or going to therapy. But breathing offers a different approach, bypassing the complexities of the mind and targeting the body directly. Instead of trying to think yourself out of feeling anxious, you can do something concrete — breathe slow or fast, in a particular rhythm, or through one nostril — and sometimes find immediate relief.

In a 2017 study, highly anxious people were assigned to take a course in diaphragmatic breathing relaxation and they practiced twice a day at home. Diaphragmatic breathing, or belly breathing, involves breathing deeply into the abdomen rather than taking shallow breaths into the chest. After eight weeks, they reported feeling less anxious compared to a group that didn’t receive the training. They also showed physical signs of reduced anxiety, including lower heart rate, slower breathing and lower skin conductivity.

So, a regular breathing practice might help you feel calmer in your everyday life. But other studies suggest that focusing on your breathing in moments of acute stress could also be useful.

In an older study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers brought participants into the lab and told them they were going to receive electric shocks. Some of the participants practiced breathing slowly before the shocks (which were actually never administered), while others focused on breathing at a normal rate or didn’t regulate their breathing at all. The slow breathers — breathing about eight breaths per minute — not only reported feeling less anxious while anticipating the pain, they also showed lower anxiety on a physical level, as measured by sweat and blood flow to the fingers.

Another study followed up on this research and tested three different breathing rhythms: fast inhaling with slow exhaling; slow inhaling with fast exhaling; or evenly paced inhaling and exhaling. Here, the fast inhaling with slow exhaling (2 seconds in, 8 seconds out) was the most effective at relieving both the physical and mental experience of anxiety.

Of course, breathing is a major component of many meditation and Buddhist mindfulness practices, and it may be a key reason why they work. In a small 2017 study, researchers asked people with anxiety disorder to try either alternate nostril breathing or mindful breath awareness for 10 minutes, two days in a row. They found that practicing alternate nostril breathing was about three times as effective at reducing people’s feelings of anxiety.

These benefits felt profound to the participants in a small, 12-week yoga breathing class in the United Kingdom. According to researchers from the University of Southampton:

Participants described feeling “more in control,” noting “anxiety doesn’t feel debilitating anymore.” One participant reported marked increases in confidence, mindfulness, and spirituality; [and] greater ability to relax … Three participants returned to paid employment, another was able to secure a long-desired job, and another became able to contemplate a return to work, having been unable to do so for many years.

The ripple effects of breathing
The way we breathe can set off a cascade of physical changes in the body that promote either stress or relaxation.

“If we’re breathing really shallowly and fast, it causes our nervous system to up-regulate and we feel tense and anxious,” says Epel. “If we’re breathing slowly, it actually turns on the anti-stress response.”

Technically, breathing influences the sympathetic (“fight or flight”) and parasympathetic (“rest and digest”) branches of our nervous system, and certain techniques can promote more parasympathetic calm and relaxation. Some may also cause us to release hormones like prolactin and possibly oxytocin, the feel-good hormone of love and bonding.

“[Breathing techniques] are allowing you to consciously take control of your breathing so you can take control of your nervous system so you can take control of your anxiety,” says Nestor. “When we breathe in a certain way, we are sending messages to those emotional centers of our brain to calm down.”

Other techniques, like tummo — a yogic breathing practice that involves forceful or gentle breathing, abdominal contractions during breath holding, and visualization — actually amp up the sympathetic nervous system, spiking our body’s stress to activate a deeper relaxation afterward, similar to how tensing a muscle and then letting it go works.

This is similar to the kind of breathing that “Iceman” Wim Hof teaches his followers, a method that Epel is currently researching. Hof is famous for his seemingly superhuman feats, like climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in shorts and changing his immune response to E. coli, which he attributes to a finely tuned control over his own physiology thanks to breathing practices and more.

Fast breathing can be triggering for people with anxiety — causing the tingling limbs and lightheadedness that often accompany panic attacks — but that’s part of the point. When you breathe fast and start to feel symptoms you normally associate with anxiety, it may help you re-interpret those symptoms in a less threatening way. They become less worrisome because they have a clear cause, the same way that an elevated heart rate during exercise doesn’t bother us. And if you can connect anxiety to faulty breathing habits, it means you can change the way you breathe and potentially see some improvement.

How to breathe better
If you want to practice breathing for better mental and physical health, there are endless techniques to try. Although these shouldn’t be seen as a replacement for therapy or a cure for severe anxiety, they can be a free and simple tool for both short-term relief and long-term benefit. “Breathing techniques could be used as first-line and supplemental treatments for stress [and] anxiety,” write Ravinder Jerath and colleagues in a 2015 study.

Many of the techniques that have been formally researched are derived from pranayama, yogic breathing that dates back to ancient India:

Ujayyi: Deep breathing with a narrowed throat, creating an ocean-like sound, often recommended while doing yoga asanas.
Bhastrika, or “bellows breath”: inhaling and exhaling forcefully.
Nadi Sodhan and Anulom Vilom: Types of alternate nostril breathing, where air is inhaled in one nostril and exhaled through the other, sometimes with breath holding.
There are also a variety of “box breathing” practices, derived from the pranayama Sama Vritti, where you inhale for four seconds, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four, and repeat. Other timed techniques include 4-7-8 breathing, often recommended to help you fall asleep.

In the same way that mindfulness practice isn’t just meditation, breathing as a practice isn’t just waking up every morning and doing 10 minutes of box breathing. It’s also important to be aware of the way you breathe in everyday life (or while you’re checking your email).

In Breath, Nestor’s tips boil down to a short list of general principles, including make sure to breathe through your nose and not your mouth, slow your breathing down (to five or six seconds in and five or six seconds out), and extend your exhales for even greater relaxation.

Now so much talk about breathing might have you feeling anxious — that’s how I felt, at least, while reading about all the ways that our breathing habits are faulty. In one study, the researchers noted that anxious people were skeptical in the beginning of the experiment and had some difficulty practicing. But this group still went on to feel better at the end of 12 weeks of practice.

All this research illustrates just how much influence our body has on our mind. Modern life brings many things to be worried about, but, as Nestor writes, not being able to breathe remains one of our deepest and most primal anxieties. If somehow the way we’re breathing is signaling to our brains that something is wrong, it’s no wonder we feel anxious — and it’s no wonder all these breathing techniques can bring such profound healing.

This article was originally published on Greater Good, the online magazine of the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

Watch James Nestor’s TEDxMarin Talk on diving and whales here:

Categories
Uncategorized

Why self-compassion – not self-esteem – leads to success

Why self-compassion – not self-esteem – leads to success

Talking about being kind to yourself may sound like something from a nursery classroom. But even cynics should care about self-compassion – especially if they want to be resilient.

Think back to the last time you failed or made an important mistake. Do you still blush with shame, and scold yourself for having been so stupid or selfish? Do you tend to feel alone in that failure, as if you were the only person to have erred? Or do you accept that error is a part of being human, and try to talk to yourself with care and tenderness?

For many people, the most harshly judgemental responses are the most natural. Indeed, we may even take pride in being hard on ourselves as a sign of our ambition and resolution to be our best possible self. But a wealth of research shows that self-criticism often backfires – badly. Besides increasing our unhappiness and stress levels, it can increase procrastination, and makes us even less able to achieve our goals in the future.

Instead of chastising ourselves, we should practice self-compassion: greater forgiveness of our mistakes, and a deliberate effort to take care of ourselves throughout times of disappointment or embarrassment. “Most of us have a good friend in our lives, who is kind of unconditionally supportive,” says Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, who has pioneered this research. “Self-compassion is learning to be that same warm, supportive friend to yourself.”

If you are a cynic, you may initially baulk at the idea. As the British comedian Ruby Wax wrote in her book on mindfulness: “When I hear of people being kind to themselves, I picture the types who light scented candles in their bathrooms and sink into a tub of Himalayan foetal yak milk.” Yet the scientific evidence suggests it can increase our emotional resilience and improve our health, wellbeing and productivity. Importantly, it also helps us to learn from the mistakes that caused our upset in the first place.

Relying on self-compassion, not self-esteem

Neff’s research was inspired by a personal crisis. In the late 90s, she was going through a painful divorce. “It was very messy, and I felt a lot of shame about some bad decisions I had made.” Looking for a way to cope with the stress, she signed up for meditation classes at a local Buddhist centre. The practice of mindfulness did indeed bring some relief, but it was their teachings about compassion – particularly, the need to direct that kindness toward ourselves – that brought the greatest comfort. “It just made an immediate difference,” she says.

Superficially, self-compassion may sound similar to the concept of ‘self-esteem’, which concerns how much we value ourselves, and whether we see ourselves positively. Questionnaires to measure self-esteem ask participants to rate statements such as, “I feel that I’m a person of worth, at least on an equal plane with others”.

Unfortunately, this often comes with a sense of competition, and it can easily result in a kind of fragile narcissism that crumbles under potential failure. “Self-esteem is contingent on success and people liking you, so it is not very stable – you could have it on a good day but lose it on a bad day,” says Neff. Many people with high self-esteem even resort to aggression and bullying when their confidence is under threat.

A wealth of research shows that self-criticism often backfires – badly

Cultivating self-compassion, Neff realised, might help you avoid those traps, so that you can pick yourself up when you feel hurt, embarrassed or ashamed – without taking down others along the way. So, she decided to design a psychological scale to measure the trait, in which participants had to rate a series of statements on a scale of 1 (almost never) to 5 (almost always), such as:

  • I try to be loving toward myself when I’m feeling emotional pain
  • I try to see my failings as part of the human condition
  • When something painful happens, I try to take a balanced view of the situation

and

  • I’m disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies
  • When I think about my inadequacies it tends to make me feel more separate and cut off from the rest of the world
  • When I’m feeling down, I tend to obsess and fixate on everything that’s wrong

The more you agree with the first set of statements, and the less you agree with the second set of statements, the higher your self-compassion.

Neff’s first studies examined how self-compassion related to people’s overall mental health and wellbeing. Questioning hundreds of undergraduate students, she found the trait was negatively correlated with reports of depression and anxiety, and positively correlated with general life satisfaction. Importantly, this study also confirmed that self-compassion was distinct from measures of self-esteem. In other words, you could have someone with a general sense of superiority, who nevertheless finds it very difficult to forgive themselves for perceived failures – a far from ideal combination.

Blossoming field

Later research confirmed these discoveries in more diverse samples, from high-school students to US veterans at risk of suicide, all of which showed that self-compassion increases psychological resilience. Indeed, self-compassion has now become a blossoming field of research, attracting interest from many other researchers.

Some of the most intriguing results concern people’s physical health, with a recent study showing that people with high self-compassion are less likely to report a range of different ailments – such as back pain, headache, nausea and respiratory problems. One explanation could be a muted stress response, with previous studies revealing that self-compassion reduces the inflammation that normally comes with mental anguish, and which can damage our tissues in the long term. But the health benefits may also be due to behavioural differences, with evidence that people with higher self-compassion take better care of their bodies through diet and exercise.

People who have higher levels of self-compassion are generally more proactive – Sara Dunne
“People who have higher levels of self-compassion are generally more proactive,” says Sara Dunne, a psychologist who studied the link between self-compassion and healthy behaviours at the University of Derby, UK. She compares it to the advice of a well-meaning parent. “They would tell you that you need to go to bed, get up early and then tackle your problems,” she says. Similarly, someone with high self-compassion knows that they can treat themselves kindly – without overly judgemental criticism – while also recognising what is best for them in the long-term.

This is an important point, says Neff, since some early critics of her work had wondered whether self-compassion would simply lead to lazy behaviour and low willpower. In their view, we need self-criticism to motivate us to make importance changes in our lives. As evidence against this idea, she points to research from 2012, which had found that people with high self-compassion show greater motivation to correct their errors. They tended to work harder after failing an important test, for instance, and were more determined to make up for a perceived moral transgression, such as betraying a friend’s trust. Self-compassion, it seems, can create a sense of safety that allows us to confront our weaknesses and make positive changes in our lives, rather than becoming overly self-defensive or wallowing in a sense of hopelessness.

Rapid interventions

If you would like to gain some of these benefits, there is now abundant evidence – from Neff’s research group and many others – that self-compassion can be trained. Popular interventions include “loving-kindness meditation”, which guides you to focus on feelings of forgiveness and warmth to yourself and others.

In one recent trial, Tobias Krieger and colleagues at the University of Bern in Switzerland designed an online course to teach this exercise alongside more theoretical lessons about the causes of self-criticism and its consequences. After seven sessions, they found significant increases in the participants’ self-compassion scores, along with reduced stress, anxiety and depressive feelings. “We measured a lot of outcomes,” says Krieger, “and they all went in the expected direction.”

There are also written interventions, such as composing a letter from the perspective of a loving friend, that can provide a significant boost, says Neff. For most people, the habit of self-criticism does not seem to be so deeply ingrained that it is beyond repair. (Neff’s website includes more detailed guidelines on the ways to put this and the loving-kindness meditation into practice.)

Neff says that she has seen an increased interest in these techniques during the pandemic. For many of us, the struggles of isolation, remote working and caring for the people we love have provided the perfect breeding ground for self-criticism and doubt. While we cannot eliminate those stresses, we can at least change the ways we view ourselves, giving us the resilience to face the challenges head on.

More than ever, we need to stop seeing self-compassion and self-care as a sign of weakness, says Neff. “The research is really overwhelming at this point, showing that when life gets tough, you want to be self-compassionate. It’s going to make you stronger.”

Categories
Uncategorized

4 Habits of ALL Successful Relationships | Dr. Andrea & Jonathan Taylor-Cummings | TEDxSquareMile

4 Habits of ALL Successful Relationships | Dr. Andrea & Jonathan Taylor-Cummings | TEDxSquareMile

Categories
Uncategorized

Three Pillars of Permanent Happiness

Three Pillars of Permanent Happiness

New research in psychology sheds light on the factors that shape our happiness.

We spend a large portion of our lives searching for things that make us happy.

What works? That depends, but psychologists and happiness researchers have identified a few common elements that tend to be found in happy people. Here are three recent findings from the field of happiness science that may help guide you to a brighter, happier future.

Pillar #1: Be autonomous

Money can’t buy happiness. But research generally shows a positive association between income and happiness.

What might we learn from high wealth individuals about how to optimize our own happiness? One insight comes from research exploring the way wealthy people choose to work and spend their time.

Scientists at Maastricht University, Harvard Business School, and Vrije Universiteit, Amsterdam surveyed 863 high net worth individuals and 1,232 non-high net worth individuals, looking for similarities and differences in the way the wealthy spent their time, and how this influenced their happiness.

They found fewer differences between the wealthy and non-wealthy than they expected. For instance, both groups spent approximately the same amount of time engaging in leisure activities, working and commuting, and using their phone and computer.

There was one key difference that emerged, however. The scientists found that millionaires were more likely to spend time on work activities that offered more personal autonomy — that is, work they decided to do themselves instead of following the guidance of others. This was shown to relate to higher life satisfaction.

Another interesting finding was that millionaires tended to spend more time engaging in “active” leisure pursuits (for example, praying, socializing, exercising, and volunteering) while non-millionaires engaged in more passive leisure activities (watching TV, napping and resting, and doing nothing).

Pillar #2: Tune into your “sense of mattering”

Happiness comes in two forms. There is in-the-moment happiness, which is derived from things that give us immediate pleasure, like eating a chocolate bar or taking a hot shower on a cold day. There’s also the related idea of life meaning, fulfillment, or reflective happiness. We experience this type of happiness when we reach a milestone or create something we are proud of. It may not be as state-altering as in-the-moment happiness, but its effects can be just as potent, especially in the long run.

While both types of happiness are important, the science suggests that life meaning becomes more important to us over time. Fortunately, a recent paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology offers guidance on how to improve it.

“Meaning is the web of connections, understandings, and interpretations that help us comprehend our experience and formulate plans directing our energies to the achievement of our desired future,” state the researchers, led by Vlad Costin of the University of Sussex. “Meaning provides us with the sense that our lives matter, that they make sense, and that they are more than the sum of our seconds, days, and years.”

From this definition, the researchers extracted three core themes: coherence, purpose, and mattering. They are defined below.

Coherence refers to the process of making sense of the world and one’s experiences in it. Feeling a “sense of order” and “comprehensibility” are key facets of life coherence.

Purpose describes the feeling of having a life goal, or multiple life goals, and working towards those goals. It is understood as a future-oriented motivational state and involves having a vision for how one’s future should be.

Mattering refers to the belief that one’s actions are making a difference in the world and that one’s life is significant and worth living.

The scientists tested which of these three factors might be most predictive of life meaning. Using a sample of 126 British adults, they found that mattering was most strongly associated with life meaning. Purpose was also predictive of life meaning but to a lesser extent. Coherence, on the other hand, appeared to be more of a consequence of life meaning than a cause.

How should we go about improving our sense of mattering? While there’s no easy answer, a good place to start is by thinking about the questions that define the concept of mattering. They are: “my life is inherently valuable,” “even a thousand years from now, it would still matter whether I existed or not,” “whether my life ever existed matters even in the grand scheme of the universe,” and “I am certain that my life is of importance.”

Other research suggests that mattering is especially important in our professional lives. Employees who scored higher on the agree-disagree scale below, for instance, expressed higher job satisfaction and engagement.

  1. My work contributes to my organization’s success.
  2. The quality of my work makes a real impact on my organization.
  3. My work influences my organization’s functioning.
  4. My organization praises my work publicly.
  5. My co-workers praise my work.
  6. I am well known for the quality of my work in my organization.
  7. My work has made me popular in my workplace.
“When employees feel like they matter to their organization, they are more satisfied with their jobs and life, more likely to occupy leadership positions, more likely to be rewarded and promoted, and less likely to quit,” state the authors of this research, led by Andrew Reece of the company, BetterUp, and David Yaden of the University of Pennsylvania. “These findings lend weight to the basic value of mattering in organizational contexts.”
 
Pillar #3: When it comes to happiness, age is on your side
 
Youth, they say, is wasted on the young. Fortunately, the same cannot be said about happiness.
 
Most research suggests that happiness, well-being, and life satisfaction increase gradually from early adulthood to middle age. And, a recent study published in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science echoes this finding with respect to optimism.
 
To arrive at this conclusion, researchers at the University of California, Davis, analyzed data from a large sample of U.S. adults between the ages of 26 and 71. At four time points across a seven-year period, participants were asked to complete the Life Orientation Test, a widely used and validated measure of optimism. A modified version of the Life Orientation Test is shown below.
  1. In uncertain times, I usually expect the best.
  2. If something can go wrong for me, it probably won’t.
  3. I’m always optimistic about my future.
  4. I mostly expect things to go my way.
  5. I often count on good things happening to me.
  6. Overall, I expect more good things to happen to me than bad.
The researchers used people’s responses from this scale to plot the trajectory of optimism across the lifespan. Consistent with prior work, they found optimism to be lowest in people’s 20s, then rise steadily into people’s 30s and 40s, peaking in people’s 50s, and gradually declining after that. Specifically, it was at age 55 that people experienced the highest levels of optimism.
 
“We found that the trajectory of optimism from ages 26 to 71 was characterized by normative age-graded increases, at a rate of about .15 standard deviations per decade, before plateauing around age 55,” state the researchers. “Together, these findings suggest that the development of optimism across the adult lifespan follows an inverted U shape, with a peak in late midlife, similar to other positive personality traits such as self-esteem and satisfaction with life.”
 
Conclusion: New psychological research suggests that autonomy, mattering, and age are three important components of happiness. While the age component will take care of itself, it’s up to you to guide your life in a direction that will enhance your sense of mattering and autonomy.
Categories
Uncategorized

How to cultivate a sense of unconditional self-worth

How to cultivate a sense of unconditional self-worth

Researchers identify the personality markers found in well-adjusted individuals.

There are hundreds if not thousands of traits psychologists use to describe someone’s personality. A person can be gentle, nervous, modest, or conscientious. Someone can be demanding, independent, vain, or risk-taking.

Which traits are most likely to be found in psychologically “healthy” individuals? A team of researchers led by Weibke Bleidorn of the University of California, Davis attempted to answer this question in a new paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. They found that high levels of openness to feelings, positive emotions, and straightforwardness, combined with low levels of neuroticism, were most indicative of a healthy personality.

“Scholars have been interested in characterizing a healthy personality prototype since the beginning of the scientific study of personality,” state Bleidorn and her team. “The father of modern personality trait theory, Gordon Allport, distinguished the ‘mature person’ based on their intentional pursuit of long-term goals. […] Erik Erikson famously claimed that Sigmund Freud described the healthy person as someone who can love and work.”

Bleidorn and her team added a contemporary twist to this age-old question. In their first study, they recruited 137 personality experts to rate which of 30 commonly used personality traits would appear in psychologically stable individuals. They found that experts rated openness to feelings, warmth, positivity, and straightforwardness as the traits most likely to appear in well-adjusted individuals. Hostility, depressiveness, vulnerability, and anxiousness, on the other hand, were rated as least likely to be found in well-adjusted individuals.

Below is the full list of personality traits, ranked high to low on their likelihood of describing a psychologically “healthy” individual:

  1. Openness to Feelings
  2. Warmth
  3. Positive Emotions
  4. Straightforwardness
  5. Competence
  6. Altruism
  7. Activity
  8. Openness to Values
  9. Tender-Mindedness
  10. Dutifulness
  11. Gregariousness
  12. Self-Discipline
  13. Order
  14. Achievement
  15. Deliberation
  16. Openness to Aesthetics
  17. Assertiveness
  18. Trust
  19. Compliance
  20. Openness to Ideas
  21. Modesty
  22. Openness to Fantasy
  23. Excitement-Seeking
  24. Openness to Actions
  25. Self-consciousness
  26. Impulsivity
  27. Anxiousness
  28. Vulnerability
  29. Depressiveness
  30. Hostility
Next, the researchers repeated this exercise with a group of undergraduate students. They found a high degree of consistency between the ratings of the personality experts and the undergraduates, suggesting that the personality traits associated with psychological health can be identified by laypeople and experts alike.
 
The researchers then put their profile of the psychologically “healthy” individual to the test. They did this by measuring how well their “healthy” profile lined up with other psychological dimensions such as well-being, self-esteem, aggression, and narcissism. Examining survey responses from over 3,000 individuals, they found support for their predictions: Psychologically healthy individuals scored higher on psychological dimensions associated with superior psychological functioning (e.g., self-esteem, self-concept clarity, and optimism) and lower on dimensions associated with psychological dysfunction (e.g., exploitativeness, aggression, and antisocial behavior).
 
The authors conclude, “Similar to Carl Rogers’ portrayal of the ‘fully functioning’ person, the psychologically healthy person can be characterized as being capable to experience and express emotions, straightforward, warm, friendly, genuine, confident in their own abilities, emotionally stable, and fairly resilient to stress. […] This research integrates a number of historical threads in the literature on optimal human personality configurations and provides a practical means for future research on this important and interesting topic.”
Categories
Uncategorized

4 Traits Found in Psychologically “Healthy” Individuals

4 Traits Found in Psychologically "Healthy" Individuals

Researchers identify the personality markers found in well-adjusted individuals.

There are hundreds if not thousands of traits psychologists use to describe someone’s personality. A person can be gentle, nervous, modest, or conscientious. Someone can be demanding, independent, vain, or risk-taking.

Which traits are most likely to be found in psychologically “healthy” individuals? A team of researchers led by Weibke Bleidorn of the University of California, Davis attempted to answer this question in a new paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. They found that high levels of openness to feelings, positive emotions, and straightforwardness, combined with low levels of neuroticism, were most indicative of a healthy personality.

“Scholars have been interested in characterizing a healthy personality prototype since the beginning of the scientific study of personality,” state Bleidorn and her team. “The father of modern personality trait theory, Gordon Allport, distinguished the ‘mature person’ based on their intentional pursuit of long-term goals. […] Erik Erikson famously claimed that Sigmund Freud described the healthy person as someone who can love and work.”

Bleidorn and her team added a contemporary twist to this age-old question. In their first study, they recruited 137 personality experts to rate which of 30 commonly used personality traits would appear in psychologically stable individuals. They found that experts rated openness to feelings, warmth, positivity, and straightforwardness as the traits most likely to appear in well-adjusted individuals. Hostility, depressiveness, vulnerability, and anxiousness, on the other hand, were rated as least likely to be found in well-adjusted individuals.

Below is the full list of personality traits, ranked high to low on their likelihood of describing a psychologically “healthy” individual:

  1. Openness to Feelings
  2. Warmth
  3. Positive Emotions
  4. Straightforwardness
  5. Competence
  6. Altruism
  7. Activity
  8. Openness to Values
  9. Tender-Mindedness
  10. Dutifulness
  11. Gregariousness
  12. Self-Discipline
  13. Order
  14. Achievement
  15. Deliberation
  16. Openness to Aesthetics
  17. Assertiveness
  18. Trust
  19. Compliance
  20. Openness to Ideas
  21. Modesty
  22. Openness to Fantasy
  23. Excitement-Seeking
  24. Openness to Actions
  25. Self-consciousness
  26. Impulsivity
  27. Anxiousness
  28. Vulnerability
  29. Depressiveness
  30. Hostility
Next, the researchers repeated this exercise with a group of undergraduate students. They found a high degree of consistency between the ratings of the personality experts and the undergraduates, suggesting that the personality traits associated with psychological health can be identified by laypeople and experts alike.
 
The researchers then put their profile of the psychologically “healthy” individual to the test. They did this by measuring how well their “healthy” profile lined up with other psychological dimensions such as well-being, self-esteem, aggression, and narcissism. Examining survey responses from over 3,000 individuals, they found support for their predictions: Psychologically healthy individuals scored higher on psychological dimensions associated with superior psychological functioning (e.g., self-esteem, self-concept clarity, and optimism) and lower on dimensions associated with psychological dysfunction (e.g., exploitativeness, aggression, and antisocial behavior).
 
The authors conclude, “Similar to Carl Rogers’ portrayal of the ‘fully functioning’ person, the psychologically healthy person can be characterized as being capable to experience and express emotions, straightforward, warm, friendly, genuine, confident in their own abilities, emotionally stable, and fairly resilient to stress. […] This research integrates a number of historical threads in the literature on optimal human personality configurations and provides a practical means for future research on this important and interesting topic.”
Categories
Uncategorized

Emotional Connections Make Us Healthier

Emotional Connections Make Us Healthier

It turns out that when partners embrace their attachment needs they are happier.

Researchers have been taking a deep dive into the emotional needs of adults. This is changing beliefs around grown-up attachment needs. It seems that wanting deep connectedness with a partner is not a sign of immaturity, weakness, or (the dreaded) co-dependency. Instead, studies show our emotional needs are an integral and healthy part of our adult operating system and compel us to create secure attachments. This is important because loneliness can be as detrimental to our health as obesity or smoking 15 cigarettes are day.

Sue Johnson’s research and therapeutic model Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) confirms the need for adults in romantic relationships to trust their partner has their back and will come when called. Basically, to attach. Her book Hold Me Tight  guides couples in expressing these needs in loving ways without painful “dances” that involve criticizing, withdrawing, silence, and poking. Brené Brown is removing the stigma and shame of vulnerability (see her Ted talk), Dick Swartz’s Internal Family Systems model helps our exiled and judged parts integrate and be Self-led, and the late Candace Pert who produced more than 250 research articles explores how internal organs hold emotion.

The benefits of having a healthy secure attachment to one’s romantic partner are clear and include:

  • Having trusting, lasting relationships.
  • The tendency to have good self-esteem.
  • Comfort with sharing feelings with partners and friends.
  • The ability to seek out social support. 

According to John Bowlby 9, father of attachment theory, we all need these four characteristics of attachment:

  1. Proximity Maintenance. The desire to be near the people we are attached to.
  2. Safe Haven. Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat.
  3. Secure Base. The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment.
  4. Separation Distress. Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

Changing cultural norms and technology produces artistic diversity as seen in the works of Rembrandt, Chagall, Dali, Yayoi Kusama, and others, and knowledge of human nature evolves as well. The mores of the time, therapeutic skill, and resources such as education and research funding all contribute to advances in the field of psychology and expand our knowledge of human nature.

As a result, our understanding of our emotional needs evolves. We learn how to be more emotionally connected and relational.

Here’s an example you may relate to: You are feeling shut down from an interaction with your partner. You get courageous and say, “I felt hurt when you looked at your phone while I shared my hard day at work. I’m going to have dinner by myself.”

The other person (using reflective listening) might say, “Hon, I hear that you felt hurt when I looked at my phone and now you just want to be by yourself. I imagine you feel dismissed and ignored. Did I get you?” The hurt partner would probably say “yes”, happy to get acknowledgement rather than defensiveness or being judged as “too” sensitive. But that acknowledgement wouldn’t really assuage their emotional distress. Their partner reflected their words and offered understanding of the emotions being felt, but missed their deeper, more complex emotional and somatic impact.

With an emotionally connected approach you “get into” the other’s feelings thru actual empathy, like this:

“Oh, hon, so you’re hurting and feeling really dismissed and unimportant because I didn’t stay focused on you as you shared an important and distressing part of your day. Reliving that work stress and bringing it to me probably made those vulnerable feelings come back and you hoped to get some comfort from me. Instead I stopped listening and looked at my phone. You must have felt worried in that moment and questioned whether you’re important to me. And now you don’t feel safe to be together tonight. Is that how it is? I’m sorry, it was careless of me to treat what you were saying so casually. What happens in your day matters to me.”

Then, the other might say, “Yes, I felt let down and worried that my day was less important to you than checking out a text. I get it, though: Notification sounds can be compelling and it’s easy to be distracted. Next time I have something important to tell you I’ll suggest we put our phones on silent so we can really be here for each other.”

Being open to your partner’s distress without explaining or getting defensive is validating and so it becomes safer for them to relax and know they are not alone.

Now, instead of an evening in separate rooms and maybe even separate beds, there’s a good chance the evening can progress with each person feeling that their “person” gets them and has their back. There’s been a repair of the ruptured connection.

This kind of talking takes patience and practice. There can be a lot of shame in admitting we feel hurt. We are taught that adults are self-reliant and handle things on their own, and that doing otherwise is “co-dependent,” so we can feel shy and awkward when admitting to needs that seem vulnerable and young.

Our head can offer benign reasons for hurtful behavior, but our gut doesn’t sooth by labeling feelings as insecure, needy, or weak. It needs connection to relax.

Exploring attachment needs can transform your relationship.  Acknowledging vulnerable feelings can actually make your relationship stronger. A trained therapist who practices Emotionally Focused Therapy can help.

As Adam Dianner says: Have the courage to dare.

Categories
Uncategorized

5 Qualities to Look for in a Life Partner

5 Qualities to Look for in a Life Partner

Dating tips for finding emotional intimacy and connection.

Recently I was thinking about how I used to behave in relationships—before I learned about the science of emotions and attachment.

I was tough on guys.

When my relationships were going smoothly, it was easy to act nice and be understanding. But during times of conflict, like when my guy wanted to see his friends instead of me, or watch a game on television rather than tend to me, or when he left his dirty socks in our living room, I took his actions personally.

 

Didn’t I matter?

What about me?

I got angry and sometimes I said mean things, which I almost always later regretted.

I’d speak in extremes: “You never do _______________!” Or, “You always do ___________________!”

My training as a psychotherapist for couples and individuals taught me the power and value of positive communication.

 

What I learned changed my personal life.

Romantic relationships are a challenge for everyone. No matter how great couples look on Facebook, no matter how many loving, hugging, kissing photos you see of your friends, no intimate relationship is trouble-free.

That’s because of two facts that are in complete conflict with each other:

 

1. All of us have inborn needs for love, care, and attention, which, when not met, trigger core emotions of anger and sadness in the brain. Over time, we can defend against these needs in a variety of ways. But that doesn’t mean the emotions aren’t happening;  we’ve just blocked them from conscious experience.

 

2. People in relationships cannot realistically meet all of the needs of their partner.

Given these two facts, inevitably there will be times when we feel unloved, uncared for, unappreciated, hurt, and angered. That is not bad. That is not good. It just is!

Research by The Gottman Institute showed that how we handle our inevitable conflicts is a major predictor of relationship longevity. We can become pros at handling conflict. But, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango, so we must pick a partner who will work with us to build a long and satisfying relationship.

 

Following are 5 qualities to look for in a partner. These qualities help ensure that you will be able to move through the tough times and even grow closer as a result. I would even recommend putting these requirements on your dating profile page to weed out those not interested in healthy communication. Here’s a sample:

The 5 Qualities

1. The capacity for empathy. Empathy is the ability and willingness to put yourself in the skin of another person and imagine how they feel (which can be completely different from how you see and feel things). Without empathy, how do we understand each other? Without a capacity for empathy, treating you with compassion, kindness, and consideration will likely not be a priority for your partner.

2. Humor. When relationships are strained, humor can defuse a struggle and transform a moment from bad to better.

For example, Wayne knew just the right time to use humor with Jenna. He could tell when her mood shifted for the worse. Jenna all of a sudden became critical of Wayne, nitpicking at things she usually didn’t mind. Wayne could sense that Jenna was irritated with him.

Instead of getting defensive or withdrawing, two strategies that rarely help, he would say to her with warmth in his eyes and a goofy voice, “Are you trying to pick a fight with me?”

It stopped Jenna dead in her tracks and forced her to contemplate his question. “Am I trying to pick a fight?” she asked herself. “Yes, I guess I am.”

His humor made it possible for her to become aware of, and own, her anger. Now that her anger was conscious, she could figure out what was bugging her and talk about it with Wayne directly. She would not have been able to do that were it not for his humorous “invitation” to talk.

Humor is not always the right approach. But when it works, it works well.

3. The willingness to keep talking. Two people who love each other and are motivated to stay together have the power to work out virtually all conflicts. Working out conflicts, however, takes time, patience, and skillful communication. Partners have to find common ground or be all right with agreeing to disagree.

It takes a while to resolve conflicts because there can be many steps to cover until both people feel heard. Talking involves clarifying the problem, understanding the deeper meaning and importance of the problem, making sure each partner understands the other’s position, allowing for the emotions the topic evokes for each person, conveying empathy for each other, and brainstorming until a solution that feels right for both is found.

Problems have to be talked out until both people feel better.

4. Understands the basics of how emotions work. During strife, emotions run the show. Emotions are hard-wired in all of our brains the same way. No matter how smart or clever we are, no one can prevent emotions from happening, especially in times of conflict and threat. It is only after emotions ignite that we have some choice about how to respond. Some people react immediately, indulging their impulses. That’s how fights escalate. Others pause to think before they act. Thinking before we speak or act is best because it gives us much more control over the outcome of our interactions.

Without an understanding of emotions, your partner won’t understand you as well and she/he/they might criticize you for your feelings or react badly.

We want someone who won’t take our moods and gripes too personally; someone who instead of reacting will get curious and ask what has upset us. We want someone who will listen without getting defensive—or at least strives for that. We want someone who knows that sometimes there is nothing to fix and that listening patiently is a powerful tool for couples. And we want a partner who demands to be treated in the same understanding and caring way.

Honoring emotions does not mean you take care of your partner’s emotions at the expense of your own; that leads to resentment. Honoring your partner’s emotions also does not mean you allow yourself to be abused. It does mean that you care when your partner is upset and try to help.

5. Understands the importance of establishing ground rules. In the beginning of a relationship, things usually go smoothly. But when the courtship period ends, differences and disagreements start to come up. Before conflicts emerge, it is a good idea to talk about establishing a set of ground rules for arguments.

Ground rules are the rules for how to fight constructively. The goal is to learn specific ways that you can help each other in the midst of a disagreement. For example, you can agree to talk in a calm voice versus shouting at each other.

In setting ground rules, the idea is to anticipate conflicts and arguments and rehearse how to do damage control. You do this before the fight because during fights neither you nor your partner will be rational or calm, since you’ll be highjacked temporarily by your emotional brain. The goal is to stay respectful and connected while working through conflicts. Your partner learns how not to make matters worse for you; and you learn how not to make matters worse for them. Because each of you is the expert on yourself, you teach each other what you need when you feel bad, sad, angry, and the like.

Everyone has different triggers. An eye roll can send one person over the edge while having no effect on the other partner. So a ground rule might be DON’T ROLL EYES. Actions like walking out on a person in the middle of a discussion, threatening to break up, making your partner jealous, diminishing each other with insults, or being physically aggressive are all examples of threatening moves that trigger primitive survival reactions in the brain. No good ever comes from that.

My Ground Rules

We don’t insult each other.

We don’t walk away in the middle of a discussion without stating our intention to return and resume talking.

We don’t shout.

We remind each other that we love and care about each other even though we are angry.

We don’t dismiss each other’s feelings.

We don’t threaten to leave each other.

A conversation isn’t over until both people feel understood and better. But it is OK to take a break as long as we return at a later time or day to resolve the conflict.

How wonderful would it be to know exactly what your partner needs when he/she/they are upset so you could do something to help them?

How wonderful would it be if when you felt upset your partner knew just what you needed for comfort and gave it to you?

How wonderful would it be to know how to handle disagreements before they happen?

When you look at each other in the midst of a fight wondering, “What was it that I once liked about you?” you will be happy you discussed this moment before. Maybe you will even laugh together or take pride in the fact that you prepared for this moment, sharing, “Well, here we are, just like we discussed!” Hopefully, that brings some relief to the misery that a fight with a loved one brings.

Finding a partner with these 5 qualities may not be easy. And you will have to be somewhat vulnerable, summoning the courage to talk about these qualities. Hold on to the belief that you are worth it and that you deserve to be in a mutually satisfying relationship. Also, hold on to the fact that many people in the world want loving partnerships. These 5 qualities will guide you to finding your loving partner.